i'm still grounded. but today, i did sulguhjee, put the dishes away, cleaned my room, dusted my room, and vacuumed my room, cleaned upstairs bathroom, cleaned downstairs bathroom, took out all the garbage, and cleaned the garage. so i can go on the computer for one hour! yay! -_-.
these past two weeks:
-there was a blind bird in my garage that kept running into the car. D: so sad.
-i finished reading Job and Malachi. but malachi is like 4 chapters long -_-.
-i wrote ben SEVEN pages front and back and joe, TEN pages. T_T;;
-JOE!! i got my first headshot!! LOL. i did acupuncture twice. yesterday, i got two needles in my head, two in my eyes, one on my pinky, one on my thumb, three on my arm, one on the bottom of my foot (INSANE pain T_T), two on my right leg, one on my left leg, and about 5 or 6 on my stomach... T_T I HAVE A LAZY EYE?!!?!!!!!!!? nobody tells me anything... ewwwwwwwwww... but apparently the needles in my eye fixed it... so i can't even see it. so for all i know, they could all be lying to me.
- i went to ben's house twice... T_T. three hour drive... that means i was in the car for 12 hours. T_____________________T;;
-also to joe (:D): HOW DO YOU KNOW ME SO WELL?? hahah ;). so i went to the library and got like... let's say 15 books. 12/15 were christian. so far, i read 3 books: 2 manga and 1 retarded novel. i didn't read any of the christian ones yet... hehe. well, i started don't waste your life (piper) but... SO BORING!! im on page 55 or so... T_T;;. BUT. i started reading 'when i don't desire God' (also by piper -_-). i started it like 4 months ago but i stopped. but anyways, im on chapter 6 and i only skipped one chapter :D!. but that book is so... blahh... it's not so boring but it's a bit scary for me. like... if we're COMMANDED to desire God and to find joy in him... and i'm not doing that... like... I'm only happy w/him when something good happens...? and you can't do that kind of stuff by yourself. holy spirit right? so then my holy spirit is broken? lol jk. but it's a gift from God that I don't have... but one that i need... confusing and scary... ALSO, like, even the "first and greatest commandment"... love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, strength. blah. i don't think i do that to THAT extent... which also scares me... BLAH MOLLAH. -_-.
- the point above made me realize a few things... before when i was going through my "spiritual blahblah" <- andy's words lol. it was like... i couldn't "feel" God? and now, nothing's really changed... it's just i'm not really... "hungering"? so like... my desire for God is now gone... so what if before, God was so close to me. like, right inbetween my eyes? he was so close that i couldn't see him. and now... idk -_-. but now i'm thinking how it was better back then than it was now... OH THE IRONY -___________-. because back then, all i did was think about getting out...
-there was also the stupid fly that wouldn't leave me alone... it kept running into the mirror while i was brushing my teeth -_-
- i heard this on the radio today. i like it. joe, you know how i was talking about that kind of stuff before?
Sometimes I fear maybe I'm not chosen
You've hardened my heart like Pharaoh
That would explain why life is so hard for me
And I am sad Esau hated
Crying against what's fated
Saying father, please, is there any left for me
Cast out my doubts, please prove me wrong
'Cause these DEMONS can be so headstrong
Make my walls fall, please prove me wrong
'Cause this resentment's been building
Burn them up with your fire so strong
If you can before I bail, please prove me wrong
I fear maybe this is all just a game
Our friends and our families all play too
Harness the young and give some comfort to the old
Don't let my doubts prove true
Draw me close and hold me near to you
Keep me still until the day you
You've hardened my heart like Pharaoh
That would explain why life is so hard for me
And I am sad Esau hated
Crying against what's fated
Saying father, please, is there any left for me
Cast out my doubts, please prove me wrong
'Cause these DEMONS can be so headstrong
Make my walls fall, please prove me wrong
'Cause this resentment's been building
Burn them up with your fire so strong
If you can before I bail, please prove me wrong
I fear maybe this is all just a game
Our friends and our families all play too
Harness the young and give some comfort to the old
Don't let my doubts prove true
Draw me close and hold me near to you
Keep me still until the day you
-sbc is twooooo days away... MY FATE!! oh noes... i think that whatever happens, i'm going to cry either way -_-. OH. i've been crying a lot lately. i haven't been eating that much either. i get like, sudden hits of like, emoness... i got that today. i was so depressed all of a sudden and i started crying. what's wrong with me -_-.
-ah. my hour is coming to an end. i'll write more after MY FATE is decided D:
-ah. my hour is coming to an end. i'll write more after MY FATE is decided D:
3 comments:
what's wrong with me -_-.
Nothing, you're just hormone-prone due to your age. it's normal, yet your not just hormonal over petty things like boys and stuff, rather christianly things? IDK LOL. I'm playing psychiatrist.
-_-' you missed the entire purpose of the book. The book title isn't "When I don't desire God..." It's "When i don't desire God how to FIGHT for joy."
If you read that or passages that say "Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind strength," and then say 'oh, i don't do that.' you've missed the whole point of the passage. Love for God doesn't come to ANYONE naturally. We are all naturally inclined to hate God.
That's why we have to FIGHT for joy. we can't wallow in our current place, but we have to do SOMETHING to do it. Pray, read, fast if you have to. Desiring God isn't a state, it's an action.
... i told you not to get 15 books...
:D and you're great
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