ack.

"at least he doesn't ask for naked pictures"
it's a bit depressing. is that where our standard are these days? if he doesn't ask for sex or whatever else... does that make him a good guy? does that make someone 'datable'? it's so frustrating sometimes when you can't express to others what you feel, what you think and not being able to show them why... this is so insane. it reminds me of what what that one chinese speaker said... i forget his name. ><;; but is it that i'm so holy or is it that everyone else isn't so it makes me look better? ... that wasn't even close to what he said lol. but i mean, just because every other guy act this way, except this one. doesn't make him acceptable... idk. does that even make sense? i don't even know what im saying. it's just... is that our standard? it's so incredibly sad. >___<;; i wish i could show you. but i can't. i wish you would understand. but you don't...

making the first move. letting your gaurd down. going out of your comfort zone. confrontation. aaaaaaack.

and on a completely different topic, my newest question(: =
do newborn babies go to heaven or hell?

empty resolutions.

'Shake the foundations of my heart. Touch my lips and touch my life. I will not burn out this year; I will burn bright. Inasmuch as I can see You on this side of heaven, I want to see You. I want to learn to love the way You do. Change scares me. But in this moment of transition, in this season of weird unfamiliarity or sudden loss, I'm still going to look for you. I'm tired of sitting by my own private pity pool and comparing tan lines with other people. I'm not looking for their approval anymore. No more empty resolutions. Now more frail intentions. This year, I want to do something brave and beautiful. From the deepest corners of my trembling heart, I'm whispering the same words Isaiah did: here I am, send me.
Because my days don't mean anything if they don't belong to you.'

the end.

last nigt, i had another fight w/ the mater. You know, one of those fights where you keep fighting, even though you know you're going to lose. and you know that whether you'd like to admit it or not, the other person's right. But it just bothers me so much that my mom doesn't really know me at all that i just keep on fighting back. But anyways, my mom's not so happy with me. I guess that makes two of us. It just angers me so much that i have such little self control. i mean, is it REALLY that hard? do i really lack it that much? knowing when to stop... that's easy for me. but actually following through and turning off the computer, starting my homework, going to sleep, just whatever. i'm soo bad at that. so last night i was thinking: how do you get better? and the answer i came up with was to avoid it all together. but... im still so frustrated. this isn't the first time i've gone through this. so why is it SO FREAKING DIFFICULT? gh;sdkjfskld. why do i keep going through this over and over again? haven't i already learned? i need to break my cycle. i absolutely hate this. >:o

and this concludes the life of shalom kim. the end. -_-;;

:D.

i drove my first car today! funfuffun (: & i didn't kill anyone or hit anything. went up to 15 mph LOLLLLLL. i even parked the car :D.

i changed my mind. nobody changed. in fact, i think we all got worse... i'd leave in a heartbeat. :o

"stepping out of your comfort zone"... i'm really bad at that.
i can't pray out loud in front of anybody... and i get really nervous when i talk about important stuff too. and i know everyone does that... but... it's like i'm afraid of being proved wrong or something...?

BRIDGE08 (:

LOL. my friend slept over and my mom didn't want it to smell like korean people so she put some candles on and then the smoke detectors went off and they wouldn't shut up for like five hours and even now, they make a beep every once in awhile. LOLLLLLLLL. the house was so cold 'cause she opened all the windows. o_o. but oh mannnnnn.

yay!
ruth, 1/2 samuel, 1/2 chronicles, ezra, nehemiah, esther, ecclesiastes, lamentations, daniel, jeremiah, isaiah, hoseas, joel, haggai. and then: acts, james, 1/2 peter, 1/2/3 john, jude. (list of books i want to read or ones that i feel like i should read) some of them, i've already read... i finished ecclesiastes about two weeks ago... it started out really interesting and then it started getting kind of boring. >.<>_<;; lol. but anyways... there's so many things i'd rather just keep to myself that nobody really knows. ughhhhhh. i still haven't gotten over the whole "lacking of someone to hold me accountable" thing. i still don't have anyone i can truly talk to (in person). asfnadjfnal. it's soooooo frustrating sometimes... i wish others would open up first. i'd be so much easier :D. lol but even those people that i've already opened up to, i wish they would do the same. ><;;

LOLL. my brother sent to me: click!

YESSS. i won RISK for the first time ever. WORLD DOMINATION!!
hmm... i think it was the FIRST TIME EVER that i beat my brother in something. :D

pest controller!

So I was on CareerCruising.com and there's this test you take that will suggest a list of possible careers that would suit you. the more questions you answer, the more "accurate" the list will be.
here are some random results... *i took the test multiple times...

1. special education teacher
1. abuse/crisis counselor. o_______o;;
1. child and youth worker
3. early childhood educator
4. director... o_0
5. social worker
5/6/7. middle/elem./highschool teacher
7. psychologist
8. social worker.
11. psychiatric aide
11. clergy... idk what that is.
11. pediatrician
14. acupuncturist... NOTHANKS.
14. psychologist.
15. gerontologist... what the heck is that?! -_-;;
16. tour guide. LOLLLL.
16. politician
16. early childhood educator
17. surgeon
18. plastic surgeon LOL.
19. religious worker
20. civil litigator <>___________<
40. judge 0_0
40. doctor

recap !

tuesday-> went to driving range w/brother... coldddddd....
wednesday-> went to UMD and got tour... saw squirrel eating from funion bag from testuto. lolool. saw Isaiah and Brian... met Damon, Jeremy, and... Christine? ... or was it Caroline... o_0... so cold! went to DC. had 'five guys' for the first time ever :o... no joe D: lol
thursday-> made mashed potatoes... im not really a fan of thanksgiving food. it's like, ehh;;
friday-> centreville, va. fairoaks w/ gracejung & andycho. so many people and i didn't even buy a thing after 4 hours of looking around the mall -_-;; grace gave me her diary and andy gave me OMG puahaha. grace's diary is soooo funny. :D.
saturday-> birthday! did absolutely nothing during the day :D. and then went to a house warming and then played a THREE HOUR GAME of risk! funfunfun. i was so close to WORLD DOMINATION. argg. stupid brother has to win at EVERY STUPID GAME we always play ><;;
sunday-> church... got 20 bucks ! hehe... and then hawon called me at home for directions... idk how to read a stupid map. -________-;;. took like 20 minutes to explain. D:

oh man. during retreats and stuff, i realize that i don't make much of an effort to try and befriend new people. i just stay with my own group of friends... thank God for fb (;
hmm... brother's birthday today... WHAT A BUTTHEAD... -_-;;
im sick now. my snot is yellow. ^0^;;
I've been thinking... def. try and do early grad.... and maybe thinking about psychology...? idk... maybeeeeee... give it some more time... some more thought...
I've changed so much this past year it's so surreal. im so glad i've changed though. i'm able to open up more and i'm able to talk about my problems and situations easier. i'm able to say what im really thinking. and w/ God, i've come closer to Him than ever before. i've learned that emotions and feelings will come and go, they aren't reliable. as a person, i'm learning not to so rash. i'm stronger in knowing where i stand and i stick to my decisions with a lot more ease now... i've learned who my real friends are. i've learned so much about others as well. things right now might not be the best but the complications that i'm dealing with now is nothing i can't overcome.
Here's what I've thought about in the past...
what about a pastor's wife? i mean, it's just a thought but... it's all i've ever known, right? being in a pastor's family... to not would just feel so... weird... I know that at times it's going to be so stressful and it'll be hard to deal with sometimes but i think i can handle it... there are times when i just hate being a pk but i would never choose otherwise. the blessings that come with it are just so much greater. i know i don't even know a fraction of what my parents go through but i still think just maybe... ?

tyty.

Lord, thank you for allowing me to go through these tough times so that my faith will not depend on my circumstances. I pray that you will help me to learn what you want me to learn so that I can be all that you want me to be. and Father God, I just thank you so much for blessing my life with such amazing brothers and sisters.


LALALAAA... when i was just two years old, i left my lips out in the cold and they turned blue...what could i do...?

the end.

About half a year ago before my brother left for UVA, he said something about how God had big things planned for our church and how things were going to change. He just kept saying, "Something big's going to happen, I can just feel it." and I kept saying something like, "Stupid, what are you talking about? how do you know? nothings going to happen" but he just kept on saying it over and over again with that extremely annoying smile on his face like he knews something that I didn't. If he had said that to me today, I would totally and completely believe him. I'm pretty sure nobody else has noticed except me but i can see a very subtle change in the kids at church. We're starting to open up a bit and we're starting to ask more and more questions. It's not much but considering that it's the only good change that's happened in the past 5+ years, I think it's pretty huge. We don't need Joe. :D
Just recently, I found out that I'm not the only one wanting to move. And to find out that my wish had a very real chance of coming true was kind of startling. Did you know I could be living in Annandale, Virginia at this very moment? It made me kind of rethink things a bit. Even though I can't stand my school and most of the people around me, and even though the kids in church can annoy me like crazy, I still love them. I would love to be surrounded by koreans but just when i feel like things are started to change, if i left... I'd feel kind of bad. And if I actually had a choice, I'm still pretty sure I'd choose to leave but i know i'd think long and hard before I left.
Man, this week, I've been learning so many things not only about myself, but about other church members but I think this one wins. There's this family in church and I didn't know how bad things were but mannnnnn. It's just so insane how people can be so calm and act perfectly fine when their lives are falling apart. It's so crazy how nobody notices. Why do they do that? Shouldn't church be a place where you're able to tell people about your problems and to be able to share things? Not pretend like everything's dandy and then cry yourself to sleep.
Break my heart for what breaks yours. I think I understand what that means now.
Last night i filled up my last page in my notebook and I read through what I've written for the last four months and I've changed so much. I keep thinking that I'm done, that I couldn't possibly change anymore but I don't realize that at that very moment, I'm still changing. but they aren't all good changes. sometimes, things change for the worse and quite a few times, after moving forward so fast, i've fallen backwards. for every two steps i take, i go back one.

blurbs.

gah. time is too fast.
i hate school.
ew. exam week.
ew.
i feel like im lagging compared to everyone else.
im like my stupid computer. -_-;;
to skip senior year or not to skip... that is the question.
class of 2012? or 2011? time time time.
no more qts.
whenever i learn something, i learn to a certain point and then i start learning something else and then i get distracted and then it becomes a cycle.
i can never learn just ONE thing well... i learn millions of things and im not good at any of them.
lost phone...again...
lock-in fri/sat.
TIMEEE. ew.
my mom's severely ticked off at me.
and i'm ticked off at my math teacher.
need new teacher...
need new mom.. LOL jk (:
but everything i do, it seems like it makes her angry. and then i concentrate REAL hard on not doing the previous thing that made her tick and then i don't realize that im doing another thing. i can't multitask. and they aren't even that big of a deal.... i lost my phone. i'll find it. im not the kind of person that would lose something like that. it's prolly at church. and then... i left my socks downstairs. don't scream, just tell me and i'll go get them... i don't drink my tea. well it doesn't really help when sometimes you give them to me at like 4pm. how am i suppose to chug that huge thing? i won't be able to sleep, i'll have to go pee every five minutes... going to calvary. "put your priorities in order" i get good grades don't i? it's not like im getting f's and then i want to go. i want to go because i know i can handle it... me being suckish at drums. -_____-;; im not that kind of person who can learn my reading a book or by myself. i need to hear something, be taught, or watch something. im not like my friggen genius brother.
stupidstupidstupid.
and then you went and died on me.
everybody died on me.
i hate retreat cycle.
ew.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
laglaglag.
shalom fail biology and lit exam tomorrow.
failfailfail.
i hate biology. i listen and then i understand. and then i leave class and then i forget everything. safoishdfoiasdjf.
lacking funds.
ew.
i wish i could freeze time, do everything im supposed to do and then press play.
GAH. stupid me. im so bad at apologetics. i'll read something and then when it comes time for me to actually put what i've learned to use, i can't explain. i can't put into words what i believe. lawyer? are you kidding me? GAH and then she's like, "if you keep living your life like you do now, the only thing you're going to be able to do is work at mcdonalds" BAHHHH.
my belly is increasing as we speak.
ddongbeh. stupidstupidstupid.
i'm so freaking tired of everything.
of myself.
one month till birthday.
i can't wait for december.
fourteen school days in november.
bible...
AHHH.
obama? mccain?
o_0
abc's pushing daises.
this is too long. i stop now.
but mannnn. im so fustrated and annoyed and clueless.
graduate early? but then what would i do?
that's for people with plans.
and that, i do not have.
... and still, im stuck on the lack of christian friends thing.
stupid church.
stupid delaware.
stupid me.
this whole post is so ridiculous. i would delete it but then that means i just spent like 10 minutes on nothing. -_-;;

School.

Homecoming was today. Didn't go to the game but our float was amazing (FCA). :)... not really. but it was x120491280 better than the other people's float. it had this giant yellow cross instead of a field goal and there were verses around the skirt of the float. then they passed out all this candy and tracts... im pretty sure we were breaking some rules there :D. but i didn't do it. i sat on the float and i was ringing a cowbell. :D.

Sorry ritz. I didn't want to be a third wheel. did you go?

JOE! ... since you're pretty much the only one who reads and comments this thing :D :
would you like to suggest anything for me to read? lately when I actually get the opportunity to read the bible, i don't know what to read so i just flip to a random page... probably not the best idea...

I have a really hard time understanding certain things. i can understand them but i don't really get it. one is the whole answering of prayers thing. I know of a few pastors that will say something like: don't ask God for the same things over and over again. He heard you the first time. and then other people will say that being persistent is important and that it shows God how much you want something. And both of them make sense to me. But if God knows all, then wouldn't he know how much we want something? Do we really have to pray everyday about something in order for God to answer certain things? And if He really knew, then wouldn't it be a waste of time to ask God for the same thing? Blah.

And again on call... Things like that. the bible says, don't worry because everything will come at it's own time... birds don't worry about what they're going to eat for their next meal, God takes care of them... aren't humans more important than birds? something like that. So then... then what? I'm just supposed to wait until i know? LOL. but i don't see why that couldn't know ahead of time so that i can prepare myself for whatever.

parents think i should be a lawyer... LOLOLLOLOL. i don't think so. i think i would start crying.

qt.

gah. I haven't read the Bible in a LONGGGGG time. I don't think I know where to start up again. I want to read some of the less famous stories but I don't know where to find them. -_-; And I keep saying I don't have time but now that I think about that, that's not necessarily true. I keep blowing it off for other things like computer or knitting&crocheting LOL im such a dork :D. but dgihoasifj. Like even now... I could be reading but I'm not...

[edit]

Could God have created the universe by the Big Bang theory? Isn't that possible?

BAHHHHHHHHHHH. im so frustrated right now.

i might start going to calvary on wednesdays.

whenever i sit down to write something, i can never think of anything. -_-;;

Upcoming events:
1031-1101; hallowee.... i mean "harvest fest" (at the church)
1108; free brandon heath concert. :D. (newark,de)
1109; free shawn mcdonald concert... but i can't go D: (newark,de)
1115; open eyes festival (clarksville, md)
if anyone's interested...

A.D.D., shalom-style.

ugh. Stupid blogspot messed this all up. It like chopped off sections. I was soooo proud of what I wrote too. >:( now that I try and fix everything, it sounds so weird or I forgot what I wrote.
i need another headshot.

speaking of headshot, this whole week it felt like someone was pushing my head down. o___0

It just angers me... that's not the right word... okay, it bothers me so much when people say one thing and act the complete opposite. The whole "casual christian" thing... They way people just... AGJSDIFJLJSDLGK. I think I have a hard time talking about things like this. ><. I'm too worried about what people will think about what I think. LOL. but balfjsldgjsdkgj. Myspace for example, people will go on there in their "about me" section and write, "I'm a christian blahblahblah" and then a couple lines down you'll find all kinds of curse words and such. It just fAOISIDGJLF.

It's amazing sometimes how God will just take you by surprise.
You were right, I don't believe in "the power of prayer." Well, it's not that either. I believe that things will happen when people pray... I just don't believe that things will happen when I pray. Why would God answer my prayer? The world is too big for one little prayer to make a difference. Why bother? (no I'm not saying that I only pray to ask God for things.) I'm not saying that I don't pray at all. But one thing that I've been having trouble with is that prayer coming out of other peoples mouths sound so much better. It flows, it makes sense, it sounds "good." That's not what my prayers sound like. And yeah, I've read Matthew 6:7 (And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words). But still, it feels like I'm not doing something right. The way I pray, it's just so different I feel like I missed something. Like some lesson that everyone got on 'how to pray' -_-;;. But anyways, I was just asking God to take something from me and I believed that he could do it. But I didn't think that he would. Right? Why would God answer my prayers? I know he could but why? why would he? And not just about that, but about everything else as well.
What did I do that would make God answer my prayers or for Him to even want to answer them? not sure if I'm saying that right. -_-;; ANYWAYS. The very next day, it was gone. I was like :o! hehehehe.

I want to impact someone's life (in positive ways). Just like others have done to me, I wish that somehow, I could return the favor to someone else.

Recently... okay, not recently, more like 3 months+ ago, I felt a call from God. But I'm not sure. Because since then, I haven't "felt" that call again. Was that really God? Does he really want me to do that? and if it was truly God speaking to me, then why wouldn't he make things loud and clear so that I can be 100% sure of what He wants from me?

I'm very influential... let me reword that. I mean I am very easily influenced. I change so much and so easily by a few words. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Bananas are weird. really weird. I'm not much of a banana person but I put them in the freezer 'cause I don't like smushy warm bananas and then they turned like rock solid so I took them out and put them in the refrigerator. This all happened last night. So when I got home from school, I was going to eat one and they all turned black. My once very yellow bananas are black. LOL. how weird... AND I promised my mom I'd eat them all. -_-;;

THREEDAYWEEKENDS :D<3!

I know I've said this before but I still can't get over it. But almost everywhere I go, I always here people talking about having a partner, someone to hold you accountable. Someone to just talk to and to keep you on track. But if SO MANY PEOPLE are saying that I need someone like that, and if THE BIBLE is even saying that I need someone like that, then why won't God provide someone like that in my life? Won't God provide for me everything that I need? I just don't get it. I've struggled so much with that. I don't have anyone like that in Delaware whom I can just open up to about my spiritual life and I know that I have people in other states that I can always talk to but sometimes, it's just not enough. It's not the same as having an actual conversation with someone who live nearby than having an IM conversation with someone that live an X amount of miles away. But don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful that I have them as well but I'm just so sick and tired of settling. I don't want to be around people who are constantly cursing and stuff. It's so frustrating. It seems the more I change,the more I get closer and closer to God and as my faith and this relationship gets stronger, the more and more my "friends" seem to be changing in the opposite direction. We're growing apart and it's pretty obvious. But then what now? What do I do now? It's not like I can move. And it's not like I can bring anybody here. What do I do now?

This Past Month; Recap.

I was going to actually delete yesterday's post because although you may like the way I write, I don't. But anyways, I've been in school for over a month now (month+four days :o) so here are all the "highlights" -_-;;

Today, I found out that the senior black girl that sits next to me in math is a lesbian. How nice. And these two girls were asking her about being a lesbian. I was like 0_0. 'Cause I'm homophobic x100000000. But I didn't know and she was talking about homecoming before and talking about going with her "girlfriend" but then I was thinking girlfriend as in a girl who is a friend. Apparently I was wrong. -____-;; ... And then, After I told Rachel, it turns out, there are like a BUNCH of other black lesbians in our grade. 0_0.

OHHH AND. I heard about like lots and lots of pregnant girls in our school but I never saw one and then just a few weeks ago I saw one walking down the hallway. LOL. I say "one" like it's something and not someone. they're so stupid. -_-;;

See you at the pole.
pregnant girls... lesbian/gay people... yes, our school needs prayer. lol.
they didn't have donuts like last time. :(. got there at 7:25 :D. it was alright. (:

Hm... and lately, I've been acting real strange. I think it's because lack of sleep but I'm so retarded. :D. The first thing happened like two days ago. I zipped up my hoodie and then I unzipped it and then I went to zip it up again and then I couldn't find the zipper and I started freaking out. I looked for like ten minutes and then I realized it was on the other side. -_-;;
and then when I got home some other day, I went to put contact solution into the case and then I reached for the toothpaste and squirted that in there instead. LOLLLLL.

Interims came in today. it goes as follows:
91- wld us 1a sem
100-biology
100-latin1
97-intro to lit
100-geom/prob&stat
98-business finance and marketing

LOLLLL. I beat the other two koreans... barely. and i say this because my madre told me that no matter what I had to beat them in school. -___-;;

In quiz team... academic bowl... (not sure what it's called, exactly) I usually get like three questions right the WHOLE ENTIRE TWO HOURS that I'm there. Yesterday I got a record of FIVE. yes, five right. :D. LOL. that's so sad. -_-;; but they were mainly religion/bible-based questions... the only thing I'm "good" at. I'm such a failure. not sure why I'm in there and I haven't quit yet. -_-;;

FIREPROOF 092608. watchhhhh. :D.
last night I was listening to focus on the family. -_-;; and they were talking about how God came through so many times during the making of that movie. It was pretty awesome. :D. you know the whole entire film, they only used ONE camera. and I think it's pretty awesome how the whole cast is strictly volunteer and that everyone is from that one church except for that kirk cameron guy.

and... pray that I could pray pleaseeee. (:
'cause I can't. not really. I don't know how.
I want to want to but I don't. -_-;;.
& also, let me know about YOU too.
because I want to help as well. :)<3>
OMGGGG I was going to rip out all of my hair last night. remember how I was talking about house? well my mom wouldn't stop talking to me. She kept yelling at me while I was watching it. First I was upstairs in my parent's room and then my mom came in so I went downstairs to watch it and then she followed me down and wouldn't stop with her 'jansoree' and then I was like OKAY! 'Cause you know how asian mothers say the same thing over and over and over again. and she was like WHAT?! and then she started yelling about how blahblahblah (i don't actually remember what she was yelling about :D) and then I remembered about what andy said about his dad talking while he watches TV and then I started cracking up and then my mom was like WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU? IS THIS FUNNY? AM I FUNNY TO YOU?!?!? -______________-;; seriously. I was so close to ripping my hair out. And then when she finally left the dryer went on and then I couldn't really hear because it was unusually loud so I turned up the volume and then my mom came back down and gave me another one of her speeches about what happens when you listen to music/TV too loud. oh man, my mom...USODAGSKIDLGSJDN. -_-;;

random blurbs.

Be forewarned, reading this is probably a waste of time but this is how i think. I'm not gifted like all of you people of saying things that sound so nice. :(
so here are a few verses I read/heard throughout the week:

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
(revelations 3:15-16)
Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.
(1peter 3:15)
we must pay more attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away.
(hebrews 2:1)
Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrarty, be setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. & even if our gospel is revealed, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the Gospel of the glory of Christ who is the image of God.

(2 corinthians 4:2-4)
you must warn them so that they may live. If you don't speak out to warn the wicked to stop their evil ways, they will die in sin. But I will hold you responsible for their death.

(ezekiel 3:18)

I just really like those verses... but the last one is a bit scary. o_o
Last week when I heard that sermon/whatever that thing was, I felt like maybe God was talking to me through her. Just maybe. See? This is what I'm talking about. How do you know you aren't mistaking that voice in your head to be from God? Because people say that God puts thoughts into your head, just like he sometimes puts words into peoples mouths. right? I dunno. -_-;; Anyways, but what I was thinking/hearing, wasn't exactly something I wanted to do/hear. I didn't want to do that. It was so shdgasiurhfknvdskjnfd. a VERY WISE PERSON once said (:D<3),>.<>
Gah. take my to md. or va. :D LOL. so I asked my mom why she was all against living in "korean infested areas" and she said basically:
I don't want you to learn bad things from them. Koreans spend money so much always wanted the newer things and more of it. They shop constantly. They always want to have fun and go to NRB and stuff. LOLLLLLL. my mom... :D.
SEE YOU AT THE POLE.
tomorrow. I should prolly sleep early or something. it starts at SEVEN. 0________0.
i wake up, usually at like 6:53 hit snooze a couple times and then get out of bed at like 7:03. (yes I don't set my alarm to even numbers or multiples of 5 :D) but aw mann. I might go like at 7:30. i need my sleep.
anywayssss. house starts soon. :D:D:D:D:D!
house, how i met your mother, the office. <3.>

God talkin'

http://listen.family.org/daily/A000001542.cfm ; listen now.
pray, please.
for me.

randomness.

1. he asks God why?
2. he affirms God's sovereign love
3. he sings.
4. he rememberes past experiences
6. he thirsts for God.
check, check, check, check, check, check...
so now what? what happens next? what do I do now?

we painted the kitchen on labor day...
but then the white wasn't really the white it was suppose to be... it was like REALLY white compared to the rest of the house... so then we were like WHAT THE HECK. it was so tiring.
im NEVER painting in my life. it doesn't matter if you gave me 125019784390 dollars.
silly korean parents can't even buy paint. >___<

shalom is taking computer business... marketing.... something...
lol. she's now, officially out of band. :D

I'm grounded. (still am D:) But I'm in a way, kind of glad that I was. I'm not saying that I want to keep being grounded but during my days of being locked inside my room, I've been reading scripture and listening to sermons on the radio for like 3+ hours daily. 100.1/95.1 :D! lol but a few days ago I was listening to a sermon by Tony Evans...
It was like... about being persecuted.
John 15:18-20
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belong to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: 'no servant is greater than his master.' If they persecute me, they will persecute you also..."
He was talking about how being persecuted is a given, it's going to happen to you. To every christian... That being said... Why aren't I being persecuted? What does that say about me? He said, "Don't be a secret agent christian." Is that what I am?
One thing I realized about myself is that I don't change. In my opinion, I'm pretty good at not doing things that I shouldn't do but it's doing things I should do that I have a problem with. But no matter how much I try, I can't seem to change. No matter how many times I think about it and say, "This time, it's for real," nothing happens. I just go back to the way I was before.
James 4:17
"Anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
"When you are serious about worshiping Jesus, you don't care who's sitting next to you or if someone is staring at you from across the room; you worship Jesus."
Does that mean I've never been serious? I need to stop caring so much about what others think. WhatthePIJ. -_-;; ughhhhh.
Romans 7:14-20
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. & if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer myself who does it, but it is the sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it but it is the sin living in me that does it."
Esther 8:7
I understand that it takes courage to risk reputation and even safety to speak out against evil. Remember, though, the greater the risk, the greater the reward. I will be with you in everything you face, & I will empower you to accomplish incredible things for me.
It's so amazing how the Bible has everything. It's so full of people who have already been through what you're going through... It's SO ANNOYING. 'Cause then it means that there's no excuse for you. If they can get over it, then I can as well. I can't keep on being lazy or whatever the heck it is that's holding me back from doing what I need to be doing. asodauiegjhn;kjowng. Stupid Bible :/ I wish I could just stay at this state. You know, say that I've tried and just call it a day... And even so, I know that even after I'm done writing this, nothing much will change. I know that if my brother read this, he'd be like, "DON'T SAY THAT. Stop being so negative." But it's the truth. I'm very aware of what I should be doing but I don't actually move my feet and actually do it. SLOALEIJLWIMF. >:0
LOL. something's wrong with me. :/
I don't like learning. I do, but then what good does it do unless you change? & I don't mind changing one or two things... But I've been learning way too much lately. I don't want to change, it takes too much effort. oihaldgnauedihgsl. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I've never read Psalms before in my life. I was just blown away last night. 0_0.

Psalm 26:12
I have trusted in the Lord without wavering. Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and mind; for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth.

Psalm 13:1-6
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

I'm not angry anymore. (:

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord; Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Job 42:12
The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first.

Now on a different note, today was my first "week" of high school (it was actually three days). I'm switching back to French 1. (: and I also quit field hockey. I'm not actually sure why but I don't regret it at all. :/ MANNNN. I have a lot of homework for just the third day of school. >:0. I have Latin homework. I don't understand why I get homework for a class I'm not even staying in.

schedule:
0-homeroom-westmoreland
1-Latin1-Smoot
2-Geometry/ Probability & Statistics-Williams
3-Intro to Lit-Swierzbinski
4-Wld Us 1a sem-Wisher/Campbell
5-Biology-Fuller
6-Band/Symphonic-Sandlin/DuWane

I'm also getting out of band ASAP and for the 08-09 school year, I have just one goal: not to procrastinate. That alone is going to be extremely hard.

------------------------------edit-----------------------------

0_0. i can't switch any of my classes.
im stuck in band. 0_____________0.
& it turns out, i actually like latin.

0____0
okay so the only reason I made this is to share some things I haven't been able to get out of my head. Just a few things I've learned recently or things I'm struggling with...? As far as I remember, I've had a hard time falling asleep. Like it would take me HOURS. And... i wrote them down in the book I have and I was going to write it in here... but that would take like... an hour+ to write. I seriously wrote like eight pages worth. o_o i'll just copy the conversation I'm having with Joe.

NotToJoe115 (12:57:47 PM): y o y o

DDONGSANGxP (12:58:07 PM): HELLOHELLO!

NotToJoe115 (12:58:12 PM): whoa

NotToJoe115 (12:59:27 PM): whats up dawg?

DDONGSANGxP (12:59:38 PM): nothing

DDONGSANGxP (12:59:42 PM): o_o

DDONGSANGxP (1:01:36 PM): what is you be doing?

NotToJoe115 (1:01:42 PM): reclining

NotToJoe115 (1:07:43 PM): what abot you?

DDONGSANGxP (1:07:57 PM): hmmmmmm

DDONGSANGxP (1:07:58 PM): fb

DDONGSANGxP (1:08:00 PM): ><

DDONGSANGxP (1:08:09 PM): 0_0 i couldn't go to sleep yesterday

NotToJoe115 (1:08:12 PM): why nots?

DDONGSANGxP (1:08:16 PM): took me four hours

DDONGSANGxP (1:08:34 PM): i kept thinking about stuff. my brian wouldn't turn off

NotToJoe115 (1:08:40 PM): awh

NotToJoe115 (1:08:43 PM): like what?

DDONGSANGxP (1:09:10 PM): hmmmm

DDONGSANGxP (1:09:27 PM): LOL and then, i wrote it all down in the notebook i told you about

DDONGSANGxP (1:09:43 PM): i think i might post it on some blog or something

NotToJoe115 (1:10:03 PM): notebook/

NotToJoe115 (1:10:05 PM): /

NotToJoe115 (1:10:05 PM): ?

NotToJoe115 (1:10:09 PM): you told me about a notebook?

DDONGSANGxP (1:10:23 PM): the "spiritual journal" or whatever it's called -_-;;

NotToJoe115 (1:10:36 PM): heh

NotToJoe115 (1:10:37 PM): ic

NotToJoe115 (1:10:38 PM): thats awesome

NotToJoe115 (1:11:32 PM): yeah

NotToJoe115 (1:11:36 PM): i was reading your note on fb too

NotToJoe115 (1:11:42 PM): i went through that last year

DDONGSANGxP (1:11:46 PM): 0_0

DDONGSANGxP (1:11:53 PM): it's so annoying though

DDONGSANGxP (1:12:03 PM): i was thinking about that last night too

NotToJoe115 (1:12:29 PM): its awesome

DDONGSANGxP (1:12:41 PM): how is that awesome

DDONGSANGxP (1:12:44 PM): ?

NotToJoe115 (1:13:35 PM): its an awesome opportunity

NotToJoe115 (1:14:01 PM): you have to see it for what it is

DDONGSANGxP (1:14:12 PM): hgasiojgslijtga

NotToJoe115 (1:15:14 PM):

DDONGSANGxP (1:15:19 PM): i do not like it. D:

NotToJoe115 (1:15:34 PM): yeah

NotToJoe115 (1:15:35 PM): it sucks

NotToJoe115 (1:15:37 PM): but like

NotToJoe115 (1:15:39 PM): if you're confessing

NotToJoe115 (1:15:41 PM): and seeking Him

NotToJoe115 (1:15:45 PM): don't blame yourself

DDONGSANGxP (1:16:05 PM): how long did you go through that?

NotToJoe115 (1:16:11 PM): couple months

NotToJoe115 (1:16:21 PM): like half a semester?

DDONGSANGxP (1:16:26 PM): oh

DDONGSANGxP (1:16:30 PM): 0________0

DDONGSANGxP (1:16:40 PM): september 21

DDONGSANGxP (1:16:43 PM): 07

DDONGSANGxP (1:16:46 PM): 0_____0

NotToJoe115 (1:16:48 PM): you have the exact date?

DDONGSANGxP (1:16:49 PM): 0_0

NotToJoe115 (1:16:52 PM): what happened then?

DDONGSANGxP (1:17:01 PM): lol no but it's as far as i can remember

NotToJoe115 (1:17:12 PM): ic

DDONGSANGxP (1:17:19 PM): i was reading stuff that i wrote a long time ago in the journal thingy

NotToJoe115 (1:17:23 PM): uh huh

NotToJoe115 (1:19:09 PM): yeah man

NotToJoe115 (1:19:11 PM): i hated it then

NotToJoe115 (1:19:15 PM): but i really appreciate it now

DDONGSANGxP (1:19:27 PM): how so

NotToJoe115 (1:19:53 PM): think of abraham

NotToJoe115 (1:19:57 PM): God tested his faith

NotToJoe115 (1:20:09 PM): abraham could say over and over that he would obey God

NotToJoe115 (1:20:12 PM): but in the end

NotToJoe115 (1:20:15 PM): the ONLY way he could know

NotToJoe115 (1:20:20 PM): was if he actuallkilled his sony

NotToJoe115 (1:21:18 PM): well

NotToJoe115 (1:21:20 PM): right before

NotToJoe115 (1:21:23 PM): same way

NotToJoe115 (1:21:29 PM): we can say that we'll praise God no matter what

NotToJoe115 (1:22:10 PM): but the only way we can really know that

NotToJoe115 (1:22:14 PM): for 100 percent sure

NotToJoe115 (1:22:19 PM): is if we're in compelte darkness

NotToJoe115 (1:22:21 PM): and we have nothing else

NotToJoe115 (1:22:23 PM): and yet

NotToJoe115 (1:22:28 PM): we still bless His name

NotToJoe115 (1:22:29 PM): right?

NotToJoe115 (1:22:48 PM): isaiah 50:10

DDONGSANGxP (1:23:11 PM): i see... but isn't a month or two enough? haven't i already proved that im not going to stop, no matter what the circumstances are? is a year really necessary?

NotToJoe115 (1:23:41 PM): i mean

NotToJoe115 (1:24:44 PM): its not about whether God "knows now or not" right?

NotToJoe115 (1:25:25 PM): we give Him glory regardless

DDONGSANGxP (1:26:10 PM): i know. but. UHGSIODJGAOSINGASIKM. lol

NotToJoe115 (1:26:54 PM): yeah

NotToJoe115 (1:27:00 PM): i've been prayinig for you tho

DDONGSANGxP (1:27:47 PM): in a way, i kind of wish i didn't know. i wish i didn't know that it'll help me rather than hurt me

DDONGSANGxP (1:28:16 PM): i wish i didn't know so that way i could be angry and mad..?

DDONGSANGxP (1:28:18 PM): i think

DDONGSANGxP (1:28:18 PM): lol

DDONGSANGxP (1:28:21 PM): TYTY

NotToJoe115 (1:28:32 PM): yeah

NotToJoe115 (1:28:45 PM): it feels better maybe to be mad huh

NotToJoe115 (1:28:47 PM):

DDONGSANGxP (1:29:00 PM): ompij yes

DDONGSANGxP (1:29:01 PM): lol

NotToJoe115 (1:30:48 PM): hehe

NotToJoe115 (1:30:49 PM): yeah i know

NotToJoe115 (1:30:52 PM): but knowing that GOd is in control

NotToJoe115 (1:31:03 PM): is comforting

NotToJoe115 (1:31:12 PM): 2 tim 2:11-13

NotToJoe115 (1:31:17 PM): no matter what

NotToJoe115 (1:31:20 PM): even when we are not faithful

NotToJoe115 (1:31:22 PM): God is faithful

DDONGSANGxP (1:31:42 PM): but that's something im sturggling with. i know with my mind that God is there, but im having a hard time knowing with my heart

NotToJoe115 (1:31:56 PM): yea

NotToJoe115 (1:32:17 PM): do you thin maybe

NotToJoe115 (1:32:54 PM): like doesn't it make you evaluate the basis how you "know" that God is there?

DDONGSANGxP (1:33:27 PM): ...come again?

NotToJoe115 (1:33:38 PM): like

NotToJoe115 (1:33:48 PM): we think that we need to "feel" God's presence

NotToJoe115 (1:33:52 PM): and thats the basis in which we know He's there

DDONGSANGxP (1:35:11 PM): o_____o

NotToJoe115 (1:35:19 PM): but if we can get around that

NotToJoe115 (1:35:36 PM): and know the truth

NotToJoe115 (1:36:00 PM): even in the darkest place

NotToJoe115 (1:36:03 PM): we can still know He's there

NotToJoe115 (1:36:11 PM): like i wonder how

NotToJoe115 (1:36:15 PM): like Paul knew

NotToJoe115 (1:36:21 PM): when he's being beated in jail

NotToJoe115 (1:36:24 PM): that God was with Him

NotToJoe115 (1:37:06 PM): or like if he ever doubted?

DDONGSANGxP (1:37:31 PM): you're making me cry. o__O

DDONGSANGxP (1:37:32 PM): LOL

NotToJoe115 (1:37:51 PM): aw

NotToJoe115 (1:37:54 PM): no don't cry

DDONGSANGxP (1:37:57 PM): lol

NotToJoe115 (1:37:58 PM): but i mean

NotToJoe115 (1:38:02 PM): thats how awesome God is tho

NotToJoe115 (1:38:08 PM): like job

NotToJoe115 (1:38:12 PM): how was he able to bless God

NotToJoe115 (1:38:16 PM): even when his whoel family died?

NotToJoe115 (1:38:23 PM): thats not even like feeling distant from God

NotToJoe115 (1:38:30 PM): thats like feeling God just punched you in the head or soemthing

DDONGSANGxP (1:39:49 PM): LOLLL

NotToJoe115 (1:40:14 PM): its amazing

DDONGSANGxP (1:40:20 PM): it is

NotToJoe115 (1:40:52 PM): i don't get it sometimes

NotToJoe115 (1:40:53 PM): but i want it

NotToJoe115 (1:40:54 PM):

DDONGSANGxP (1:41:12 PM): LOL

DDONGSANGxP (1:41:14 PM):

NotToJoe115 (1:43:26 PM): be happy

NotToJoe115 (1:44:01 PM): God is realyl proud of you

NotToJoe115 (1:44:09 PM): me too

DDONGSANGxP (1:44:12 PM): lol tyty

DDONGSANGxP (1:44:13 PM): <3

DDONGSANGxP (1:44:23 PM): it's been weird

DDONGSANGxP (1:44:28 PM): like after fh,

NotToJoe115 (1:44:31 PM): uh huh

DDONGSANGxP (1:44:38 PM): i mean before fh,

DDONGSANGxP (1:45:38 PM): i never opened up...? like i never let anyone know what was happening or anything. good or bad. but after fh, i've started opening up a little more

DDONGSANGxP (1:46:15 PM): like yesterday...? i think it was yesterday you asked me why i was blind

DDONGSANGxP (1:46:34 PM): and i was begining to realize some things

DDONGSANGxP (1:46:53 PM): like in dover, there are like... no koreans.

NotToJoe115 (1:46:58 PM): uh huh

DDONGSANGxP (1:47:49 PM): and i've been asking God for someone... well i guess i've been complaining more that asking... but i've been asking for someone that i can talk to

NotToJoe115 (1:47:57 PM): uh huh

DDONGSANGxP (1:48:06 PM): like all my friends are like atheists or they just don't care

DDONGSANGxP (1:49:01 PM): and i've been complaining for so long and just after fh, i've been talking to some kids who were at fh that i've known for a pretty long time

NotToJoe115 (1:49:25 PM): uh huh

NotToJoe115 (1:49:34 PM): oh man

NotToJoe115 (1:49:39 PM): lucky

DDONGSANGxP (1:49:47 PM): and i realized that God has already given me everything I need

NotToJoe115 (1:49:53 PM): aw mang

NotToJoe115 (1:50:02 PM): thats an awesome realization

DDONGSANGxP (1:50:10 PM): i didn't need to ask or anything. you know, they were always there, i just never opened up

NotToJoe115 (1:50:35 PM): ic

DDONGSANGxP (1:50:43 PM): and also another thing that was keeping me from going to sleep last night was how before,

DDONGSANGxP (1:50:54 PM): i was so fustrated with everyone else

NotToJoe115 (1:51:23 PM): uh huh

DDONGSANGxP (1:51:38 PM): i thought that people who loved you would be able to tell if something was going on

DDONGSANGxP (1:51:47 PM): even if you didnt say anything

DDONGSANGxP (1:52:05 PM): and i realized i was just being stupid

DDONGSANGxP (1:52:29 PM): how can anyone tell if i don't say anything? how can anyone tell when im trying so hard to cover it up?

DDONGSANGxP (1:53:18 PM): and i dont know... -_-;;

NotToJoe115 (1:54:11 PM): ic

NotToJoe115 (1:54:15 PM): yeah i do that alot

DDONGSANGxP (1:54:44 PM): but... i thought that fh wasn't that good this year. like i didn't really learn that much...? truth be told, i didn't really like pastor ij that much either. but now i can tell that i've been changing a lot since fh.

DDONGSANGxP (1:56:26 PM): i guess there wasn't anything HUGE that happened that year that made me like it as much...? but nothing huge has to happen. ... im not making any sense... LOL.

NotToJoe115 (1:56:41 PM): hehe

NotToJoe115 (1:56:43 PM): no i get it

DDONGSANGxP (1:56:50 PM): anyways, i guess i just realized a lot of little things that i don't notice as much

DDONGSANGxP (1:57:02 PM): your prayer seminar!

DDONGSANGxP (1:57:40 PM): like... i remember you said, is prayer like a spare tire in your life? etcetcetc

NotToJoe115 (1:57:51 PM): uh huh

DDONGSANGxP (1:58:08 PM): and i've been doing pretty good doing qt and stuff but praying is one thing i just don't do

DDONGSANGxP (1:58:35 PM): im trying.

NotToJoe115 (1:58:37 PM): uh huh

NotToJoe115 (1:58:38 PM):

DDONGSANGxP (2:00:26 PM): hmm

DDONGSANGxP (2:00:27 PM): what else

DDONGSANGxP (2:00:28 PM): lol

DDONGSANGxP (2:00:32 PM): uhm. and then......

DDONGSANGxP (2:00:46 PM): OH. i have this friend

DDONGSANGxP (2:01:05 PM): and i haven't seen her since i went to korea but i can tell she's been changing a lot

DDONGSANGxP (2:01:10 PM): in a bad way.

NotToJoe115 (2:01:22 PM): uh huh

DDONGSANGxP (2:01:47 PM): like... her brother's been influencing her a lot with smoking and alcohol

DDONGSANGxP (2:02:04 PM): and he has a past with drugs as well so maybe....?

NotToJoe115 (2:02:11 PM): uh huh...

DDONGSANGxP (2:02:31 PM): but anyways. i haven't actually talked to her since korea either but i think the reason for that is... im scared?

DDONGSANGxP (2:02:35 PM): like i don't know what to say

NotToJoe115 (2:02:46 PM): yeah

NotToJoe115 (2:02:49 PM): i feel the same way

DDONGSANGxP (2:03:15 PM): i know if i say something... or try to say something... i'll either a. get in her face or b. start crying

DDONGSANGxP (2:03:17 PM): -_____-;;

NotToJoe115 (2:03:39 PM): yeah

NotToJoe115 (2:03:48 PM): is she a christian?

DDONGSANGxP (2:03:53 PM): well...

DDONGSANGxP (2:04:30 PM): they go to church. but of course that doesn't make you one. ><. but her mom, you can tell she is. and...

DDONGSANGxP (2:05:08 PM): like... her mom... she's so stressed out. she yells a lot and she's so strict that her kids will like... rebel...?

DDONGSANGxP (2:05:24 PM): idk

NotToJoe115 (2:05:27 PM): yeah

NotToJoe115 (2:05:29 PM): i've seen that

NotToJoe115 (2:07:23 PM): so you don't really know what to do huh

DDONGSANGxP (2:07:34 PM): noooopeeeeeee

DDONGSANGxP (2:07:53 PM): i've kinda been like... avoiding the situation

DDONGSANGxP (2:08:12 PM): i feel so guilty in a way. 0_0

NotToJoe115 (2:08:20 PM): ic

NotToJoe115 (2:08:22 PM): what do you think you should do?

DDONGSANGxP (2:08:22 PM): when i met her she was like the shyest person you ever knew

DDONGSANGxP (2:08:34 PM): 0_0 i do not know

DDONGSANGxP (2:08:43 PM): she doesn't even know i know

DDONGSANGxP (2:08:46 PM): LOL.

DDONGSANGxP (2:09:06 PM): like we have another friend whom im closer with and she told me.

DDONGSANGxP (2:09:14 PM): the other girl,

DDONGSANGxP (2:09:32 PM): she hasn't told me i think because she knows i'll like chop her head off

DDONGSANGxP (2:09:35 PM): i HATE smoking

NotToJoe115 (2:09:56 PM): hehe

NotToJoe115 (2:09:57 PM): ic

DDONGSANGxP (2:10:07 PM): lol

DDONGSANGxP (2:10:21 PM): im suppose to pretend like i don't know... but how can you do that?

NotToJoe115 (2:11:09 PM): right

DDONGSANGxP (2:11:16 PM): 0______________________0

DDONGSANGxP (2:11:20 PM): and

DDONGSANGxP (2:11:28 PM): LOL. i just keep talking and talking and talking

DDONGSANGxP (2:11:31 PM): xD

NotToJoe115 (2:11:37 PM): i love it

DDONGSANGxP (2:11:40 PM): lolol

DDONGSANGxP (2:11:42 PM): but

DDONGSANGxP (2:11:46 PM): i had this weird dream

NotToJoe115 (2:12:06 PM): uh huh

DDONGSANGxP (2:12:16 PM): about fh and it's stupid but for some reason, it scares me... even though i have no idea what it means

DDONGSANGxP (2:12:26 PM): -_-;;

NotToJoe115 (2:12:55 PM): oh?

NotToJoe115 (2:12:57 PM): what was it about?

DDONGSANGxP (2:13:59 PM): like so we were in this building that was supposedly fh but it def. was not. and everyone was like in this line...? and ... i don't remember specifics... lol but the line was like all throughout the building and the people started moving

DDONGSANGxP (2:14:16 PM): and i was in the line as well... but i wasn't doing something right

DDONGSANGxP (2:14:23 PM): and they kept yelling at me or something

DDONGSANGxP (2:14:30 PM): i don't know if that's good or not

DDONGSANGxP (2:14:40 PM): reminds me of 'a wrinkle in time'

DDONGSANGxP (2:14:58 PM): LOL. 0__0 im the little boy with the retarded ball bouncing skills

NotToJoe115 (2:15:14 PM): haha

NotToJoe115 (2:15:16 PM): uh huh

DDONGSANGxP (2:15:21 PM): thats it

DDONGSANGxP (2:15:23 PM): LOL

DDONGSANGxP (2:15:50 PM): geh goom

DDONGSANGxP (2:15:55 PM): maybe

man oh man. this is so long. 0_0 i'll just stop here. (:

& have I ever told you how much I love joe? :D puahaha.