ack.

"at least he doesn't ask for naked pictures"
it's a bit depressing. is that where our standard are these days? if he doesn't ask for sex or whatever else... does that make him a good guy? does that make someone 'datable'? it's so frustrating sometimes when you can't express to others what you feel, what you think and not being able to show them why... this is so insane. it reminds me of what what that one chinese speaker said... i forget his name. ><;; but is it that i'm so holy or is it that everyone else isn't so it makes me look better? ... that wasn't even close to what he said lol. but i mean, just because every other guy act this way, except this one. doesn't make him acceptable... idk. does that even make sense? i don't even know what im saying. it's just... is that our standard? it's so incredibly sad. >___<;; i wish i could show you. but i can't. i wish you would understand. but you don't...

making the first move. letting your gaurd down. going out of your comfort zone. confrontation. aaaaaaack.

and on a completely different topic, my newest question(: =
do newborn babies go to heaven or hell?

empty resolutions.

'Shake the foundations of my heart. Touch my lips and touch my life. I will not burn out this year; I will burn bright. Inasmuch as I can see You on this side of heaven, I want to see You. I want to learn to love the way You do. Change scares me. But in this moment of transition, in this season of weird unfamiliarity or sudden loss, I'm still going to look for you. I'm tired of sitting by my own private pity pool and comparing tan lines with other people. I'm not looking for their approval anymore. No more empty resolutions. Now more frail intentions. This year, I want to do something brave and beautiful. From the deepest corners of my trembling heart, I'm whispering the same words Isaiah did: here I am, send me.
Because my days don't mean anything if they don't belong to you.'

the end.

last nigt, i had another fight w/ the mater. You know, one of those fights where you keep fighting, even though you know you're going to lose. and you know that whether you'd like to admit it or not, the other person's right. But it just bothers me so much that my mom doesn't really know me at all that i just keep on fighting back. But anyways, my mom's not so happy with me. I guess that makes two of us. It just angers me so much that i have such little self control. i mean, is it REALLY that hard? do i really lack it that much? knowing when to stop... that's easy for me. but actually following through and turning off the computer, starting my homework, going to sleep, just whatever. i'm soo bad at that. so last night i was thinking: how do you get better? and the answer i came up with was to avoid it all together. but... im still so frustrated. this isn't the first time i've gone through this. so why is it SO FREAKING DIFFICULT? gh;sdkjfskld. why do i keep going through this over and over again? haven't i already learned? i need to break my cycle. i absolutely hate this. >:o

and this concludes the life of shalom kim. the end. -_-;;

:D.

i drove my first car today! funfuffun (: & i didn't kill anyone or hit anything. went up to 15 mph LOLLLLLL. i even parked the car :D.

i changed my mind. nobody changed. in fact, i think we all got worse... i'd leave in a heartbeat. :o

"stepping out of your comfort zone"... i'm really bad at that.
i can't pray out loud in front of anybody... and i get really nervous when i talk about important stuff too. and i know everyone does that... but... it's like i'm afraid of being proved wrong or something...?

BRIDGE08 (:

LOL. my friend slept over and my mom didn't want it to smell like korean people so she put some candles on and then the smoke detectors went off and they wouldn't shut up for like five hours and even now, they make a beep every once in awhile. LOLLLLLLLL. the house was so cold 'cause she opened all the windows. o_o. but oh mannnnnn.

yay!
ruth, 1/2 samuel, 1/2 chronicles, ezra, nehemiah, esther, ecclesiastes, lamentations, daniel, jeremiah, isaiah, hoseas, joel, haggai. and then: acts, james, 1/2 peter, 1/2/3 john, jude. (list of books i want to read or ones that i feel like i should read) some of them, i've already read... i finished ecclesiastes about two weeks ago... it started out really interesting and then it started getting kind of boring. >.<>_<;; lol. but anyways... there's so many things i'd rather just keep to myself that nobody really knows. ughhhhhh. i still haven't gotten over the whole "lacking of someone to hold me accountable" thing. i still don't have anyone i can truly talk to (in person). asfnadjfnal. it's soooooo frustrating sometimes... i wish others would open up first. i'd be so much easier :D. lol but even those people that i've already opened up to, i wish they would do the same. ><;;

LOLL. my brother sent to me: click!

YESSS. i won RISK for the first time ever. WORLD DOMINATION!!
hmm... i think it was the FIRST TIME EVER that i beat my brother in something. :D

pest controller!

So I was on CareerCruising.com and there's this test you take that will suggest a list of possible careers that would suit you. the more questions you answer, the more "accurate" the list will be.
here are some random results... *i took the test multiple times...

1. special education teacher
1. abuse/crisis counselor. o_______o;;
1. child and youth worker
3. early childhood educator
4. director... o_0
5. social worker
5/6/7. middle/elem./highschool teacher
7. psychologist
8. social worker.
11. psychiatric aide
11. clergy... idk what that is.
11. pediatrician
14. acupuncturist... NOTHANKS.
14. psychologist.
15. gerontologist... what the heck is that?! -_-;;
16. tour guide. LOLLLL.
16. politician
16. early childhood educator
17. surgeon
18. plastic surgeon LOL.
19. religious worker
20. civil litigator <>___________<
40. judge 0_0
40. doctor

recap !

tuesday-> went to driving range w/brother... coldddddd....
wednesday-> went to UMD and got tour... saw squirrel eating from funion bag from testuto. lolool. saw Isaiah and Brian... met Damon, Jeremy, and... Christine? ... or was it Caroline... o_0... so cold! went to DC. had 'five guys' for the first time ever :o... no joe D: lol
thursday-> made mashed potatoes... im not really a fan of thanksgiving food. it's like, ehh;;
friday-> centreville, va. fairoaks w/ gracejung & andycho. so many people and i didn't even buy a thing after 4 hours of looking around the mall -_-;; grace gave me her diary and andy gave me OMG puahaha. grace's diary is soooo funny. :D.
saturday-> birthday! did absolutely nothing during the day :D. and then went to a house warming and then played a THREE HOUR GAME of risk! funfunfun. i was so close to WORLD DOMINATION. argg. stupid brother has to win at EVERY STUPID GAME we always play ><;;
sunday-> church... got 20 bucks ! hehe... and then hawon called me at home for directions... idk how to read a stupid map. -________-;;. took like 20 minutes to explain. D:

oh man. during retreats and stuff, i realize that i don't make much of an effort to try and befriend new people. i just stay with my own group of friends... thank God for fb (;
hmm... brother's birthday today... WHAT A BUTTHEAD... -_-;;
im sick now. my snot is yellow. ^0^;;
I've been thinking... def. try and do early grad.... and maybe thinking about psychology...? idk... maybeeeeee... give it some more time... some more thought...
I've changed so much this past year it's so surreal. im so glad i've changed though. i'm able to open up more and i'm able to talk about my problems and situations easier. i'm able to say what im really thinking. and w/ God, i've come closer to Him than ever before. i've learned that emotions and feelings will come and go, they aren't reliable. as a person, i'm learning not to so rash. i'm stronger in knowing where i stand and i stick to my decisions with a lot more ease now... i've learned who my real friends are. i've learned so much about others as well. things right now might not be the best but the complications that i'm dealing with now is nothing i can't overcome.
Here's what I've thought about in the past...
what about a pastor's wife? i mean, it's just a thought but... it's all i've ever known, right? being in a pastor's family... to not would just feel so... weird... I know that at times it's going to be so stressful and it'll be hard to deal with sometimes but i think i can handle it... there are times when i just hate being a pk but i would never choose otherwise. the blessings that come with it are just so much greater. i know i don't even know a fraction of what my parents go through but i still think just maybe... ?