ugh. Stupid blogspot messed this all up. It like chopped off sections. I was soooo proud of what I wrote too. >:( now that I try and fix everything, it sounds so weird or I forgot what I wrote.
i need another headshot.
speaking of headshot, this whole week it felt like someone was pushing my head down. o___0
It just angers me... that's not the right word... okay, it bothers me so much when people say one thing and act the complete opposite. The whole "casual christian" thing... They way people just... AGJSDIFJLJSDLGK. I think I have a hard time talking about things like this. ><. I'm too worried about what people will think about what I think. LOL. but balfjsldgjsdkgj. Myspace for example, people will go on there in their "about me" section and write, "I'm a christian blahblahblah" and then a couple lines down you'll find all kinds of curse words and such. It just fAOISIDGJLF.
It's amazing sometimes how God will just take you by surprise.
You were right, I don't believe in "the power of prayer." Well, it's not that either. I believe that things will happen when people pray... I just don't believe that things will happen when I pray. Why would God answer my prayer? The world is too big for one little prayer to make a difference. Why bother? (no I'm not saying that I only pray to ask God for things.) I'm not saying that I don't pray at all. But one thing that I've been having trouble with is that prayer coming out of other peoples mouths sound so much better. It flows, it makes sense, it sounds "good." That's not what my prayers sound like. And yeah, I've read Matthew 6:7 (And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words). But still, it feels like I'm not doing something right. The way I pray, it's just so different I feel like I missed something. Like some lesson that everyone got on 'how to pray' -_-;;. But anyways, I was just asking God to take something from me and I believed that he could do it. But I didn't think that he would. Right? Why would God answer my prayers? I know he could but why? why would he? And not just about that, but about everything else as well.
What did I do that would make God answer my prayers or for Him to even want to answer them? not sure if I'm saying that right. -_-;; ANYWAYS. The very next day, it was gone. I was like :o! hehehehe.
I want to impact someone's life (in positive ways). Just like others have done to me, I wish that somehow, I could return the favor to someone else.
Recently... okay, not recently, more like 3 months+ ago, I felt a call from God. But I'm not sure. Because since then, I haven't "felt" that call again. Was that really God? Does he really want me to do that? and if it was truly God speaking to me, then why wouldn't he make things loud and clear so that I can be 100% sure of what He wants from me?
I'm very influential... let me reword that. I mean I am very easily influenced. I change so much and so easily by a few words. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
Bananas are weird. really weird. I'm not much of a banana person but I put them in the freezer 'cause I don't like smushy warm bananas and then they turned like rock solid so I took them out and put them in the refrigerator. This all happened last night. So when I got home from school, I was going to eat one and they all turned black. My once very yellow bananas are black. LOL. how weird... AND I promised my mom I'd eat them all. -_-;;
THREEDAYWEEKENDS :D<3!
I know I've said this before but I still can't get over it. But almost everywhere I go, I always here people talking about having a partner, someone to hold you accountable. Someone to just talk to and to keep you on track. But if SO MANY PEOPLE are saying that I need someone like that, and if THE BIBLE is even saying that I need someone like that, then why won't God provide someone like that in my life? Won't God provide for me everything that I need? I just don't get it. I've struggled so much with that. I don't have anyone like that in Delaware whom I can just open up to about my spiritual life and I know that I have people in other states that I can always talk to but sometimes, it's just not enough. It's not the same as having an actual conversation with someone who live nearby than having an IM conversation with someone that live an X amount of miles away. But don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful that I have them as well but I'm just so sick and tired of settling. I don't want to be around people who are constantly cursing and stuff. It's so frustrating. It seems the more I change,the more I get closer and closer to God and as my faith and this relationship gets stronger, the more and more my "friends" seem to be changing in the opposite direction. We're growing apart and it's pretty obvious. But then what now? What do I do now? It's not like I can move. And it's not like I can bring anybody here. What do I do now?
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2 comments:
GAH! it does that for you too? blog screwed up ALL my formatting and it's so hard to fix! rwar!
you should post more shalom... I check my blog everyday but none of my friends post enough :D i really enjoy hearing about the things in your life, especially your spiritual struggles, because then I know that these things are registering and relevant in your mind/heart. i know how frustrating it is, but keep going! you're doing good.that is the life that we're called to live. Let me assure you, its all worth it. :D
On prayer, let me tell you how i know that God not only hears your prayers, but loves to hear and answer them!
1 John 5:14-17
'And this is the confidence which we have in him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have obtained the requests made of him.'
God hears YOUR prayers because you are His daughter. You HAVE the Holy Spirit as a child of God. Even when we don't feel it, even when we feel distant from God, even when we don't believe that God would hear our prayers, if you are a child of God, and the Bible says that God HEARS your prayers, you can be CONFIDENT that He is listening. The word of God HAS to be a higher reality in our lives than even our experiences. Does that make sense? that means that our truth comes from what the Word says even ABOVE how we feel. Look to the word of God for the answer to that question. :D
But why me? why do I deserve for God to listen to my prayers? Thats EXACTLY the point! thats whats the BEST thing about prayer! You don't deserve it! why the heck would you? Why would a holy God even care about the things that are on the heart of a sinful girl like you? if God treated you like you deserve He would have NO reason to hear your prayers. But thats the amazing power of the gospel! 'that while we were SINNERS Christ died for us'(Romans 5:8) prayer works the same way. It is DESPITE our sins and our undeservedness that God hears our prayers because He loves us. Once we start thinking that we deserve for God to do things for us, we are dead meat. We have to acknowledge our unworthiness, but then at the same time know that God still hears us because He WANTS to. And once again you can be CONFIDENT of this because the Bible says so. Man, just the fact that God hears my prayers is SO AMAZING! I don't understand why either, but I'm glad He does :D I never thank God enough for hearing my prayers despite my lack of deservingness... do you?
Then why aren't my prayers answered? I'm praying for people to hold me accountable and things but they don't seem to be working. I think that there are many reasons for this. Here are some...
- God wants us to persevere. (Just like Luke 18, God wants us to persist in our prayers)
- There are sins in our lives that prevent answer
- like in James, we pray for the wrong reasons
- IMPORTANT: where God has put you and the way that He is/is not answering your prayers is the place that is most beneficial and good for you. Even when you're asking for something good, God knows whats best for you and maybe wants you to persevere during this time. Maybe He wants to test your faith and strengthen your heart in Him. I know that you really want people to hold you accountable, and I really wish you could have some godly sisters as well, but maybe God wants you to reach out to the people around you now? Could His answer be different from the way you picture Him answering? Instead of just sending you someone new, maybe God is pushing you to create that relationship with the people in your church? and I know that its hard and that its hard to look up to them as well, but you can do it!
I felt the same way that you did back in high school. I didn't have anyone to hold me accountable, and the people in my church didn't really seem to be growing. And since i didn't look up to them, I did not want to open up to them. I hated to show my weakness and take the first step by sharing my own struggles. I knew that i was more spiritually mature than them (hehe very prideful thought) and so what could i get out of sharing anyways? It took a lot of humbling for me to finally start opening up. My church members and i weren't always like this... We used to never talk about God and just wasted a lot of time. But now, our friendship has GROWN (over a LONG time) into a deep Christ-centered fellowship. Deep fellowship isn't just given, its BUILT. I pray that for you too, that you can take that initiative in your church. Instead of asking God to GIVE you people, why don't you MAKE that kind of accountability (through HIS power and prayer) with the people already around you? Its oh so possible, ask anyone from our church how we were before we started to share with one another... :D
on 'how to pray' thats a very interesting thought... I feel that way too sometimes. I've been sharing with a friend recently and we both felt that nowadays, we simply had no words to pray. We didn't know what to say, or how to express how we feel. but once again, this goes back to how we can't do ANYTHING godly for ourselves and how much we need God. Do you know the point of that passage in Matthew 6:7? its not merely about saying big words or small words, or long prayers vs short prayers, or simple vs eloquent prayers. What Jesus is saying, is that more than words, God looks at your heart (1 Sam 16:7). and once again that is why prayer is so AWESOME! If God heard your prayers based on what your words were, wouldn't it be awful? We could never express the things in our hearts to God. We'd never get anything done. BUT! read Romans 8:26-30... in our WEAKNESS, when we dont' know what the heck to pray about, we pray in the SPIRIT. What this means is that when we pray there are two things going on. Our mind prays for things, but at the same time the Spirit within us prays FOR us, which is even deeper than words. The Spirit KNOWS whats on our heart and intercedes for us even when we don't know how to pray. Whats amazing about this is that when we don't have the words, that doesn't make our prayers any less effective!
Look at 1 Corinthians 14 as well. Most people when they read it can't get past the whole tongues issue, but there is a bigger truth in it than merely tongues. When you pray as a child of God, you can always pray in the Spirit, because the Spirit in you knows your heart even better than you do. So pray in the Spirit. You don't need eloquent words to pray. But at the same time, Paul says to also pray with your mind. This means that as you pray through the Spirit, also pray for words and understanding and the 'mind' that helps you to express and fully understand the things in your heart. Ask for the words to pray that you can understand. Man, isn't it amazing that no matter what part of Christianity you are talking about (prayer, salvation, acts, understanding the Bible, whatever), God never leaves us to do things just for ourselves? (puh... as if we could do anything for ourselves anyways) its ALL by God's grace! w00t!
And why do you assume that other people are so much 'better' at prayer than you? Its freaking hard for me to pray. Sometimes i go days without praying and its especially hard for me to sit down and set time apart to pray. And yes, the world IS too big for a little prayer of mine to make a difference, but when my God who is Infinitely bigger than this world hears this little prayer, He can move mountains!
on call, what was it that God called you to do?
on bananas, listen to your mom, eat yo bananas ;P ps have you been thinking about obedience and listening to your parents at all?
hahaha sorry about ranting so long... I just get excited when I see you wanting to do better. Make sure to test and approve everything i say, don't take my word for it... i can be wrong about a lot of things. And also, lets not end our thoughts with just the blog... lets move all of these thoughts into action ok? :D
you know i'm always here for you, even if i may be X miles away :D
to my little sis
joe
Hey :D
yeah i know its hard... I think that changing the nature of a relationship is one of the hardest things to do. i struggle with this with a lot of my friends. The basis of my friendship is so rooted only in having fun or playing ball or fooling around that its darn near impossible to change the nature of the relationship back to Christ. The thing is tho, since you guys all claim to be Christian, that means that it should be easier to change the relationship. Its a matter of everyone being real with one another and they have to be convicted that thats how the relationship SHOULD be. I guess only God can change our hearts and our relationships huh... I think that maybe the best thing that you can do is to just open up and be vulnerable. I know you have a hard time opening up at times but theres no other way of doing it really. You got to take initiave and start uncomfortable and awkward conversations :D you're good at the right? ;P
God waits for us to ask because He wants to INCLUDE us in the work that He is doing... Yeah i'm sure that God can just do what He does and everything would be dandy, but thats not how it works. In John 15 Jesus says that He no longer calls us servants but friends! That means that as friends we are able to know what He is involved in and even participate in His work. And plus, don't you think that it is such a loving act of God that He would wait for us to pray? Isn't that such an honor? I think that ultimately He waits for us because He loves us and wants us to participate in His glorification. I was reading a piper sermon to respond to your post (hehe you know i plagiarize alot from him) and this is what is says:
God Eagerly Awaits to Answer Prayer
Jesus paints the same picture in Mt. 6:31 where he tells the disciples not to fret about food and drink and clothing. Why? "For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things." If God knows your need; if he hears your prayer, he is of such an eager disposition to do good for you that the need is as good as met and the prayer is as good as answered. God is like a thoroughbred at the Kentucky Derby, champing at the bit, fidgeting, waiting for the gate to open. He has ordained that our prayers be the gate-opener. Or God is like the father with the prodigal son, who when he sees his long-lost son far off in the distance, he just can't wait, so he runs out to meet him and gives him a bear hug. It's as though God were on his tip-toes in anticipation of doing us good. Our heavenly Father is sitting on the edge of his throne of grace eager to hear our prayers and do us good. 2 Chronicles 16:9 shows this same anticipation on God's part. "The eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that he may strongly support those whose heart is completely his." Our prayers are like smoke signals spelling out, "SOS." God loves to answer the cry for help.
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByTopic/35/494_Our_Father_Hears_Us/
gaahhh God is so loving...
on call, yes it definitely does matter what it is you feel like you're hearing from God because 1.You have to understand what it is that He wants you to do, and 2.You have to make sure to test that calling against the Word, and with others to really be able to discern if it is indeed what God wants you to do. :D
:D and yeah, i know you're a good kid :D I just don't want to hear anything about you misbehaving because i got permission from your moms to honnae you! ;P
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