the end.

About half a year ago before my brother left for UVA, he said something about how God had big things planned for our church and how things were going to change. He just kept saying, "Something big's going to happen, I can just feel it." and I kept saying something like, "Stupid, what are you talking about? how do you know? nothings going to happen" but he just kept on saying it over and over again with that extremely annoying smile on his face like he knews something that I didn't. If he had said that to me today, I would totally and completely believe him. I'm pretty sure nobody else has noticed except me but i can see a very subtle change in the kids at church. We're starting to open up a bit and we're starting to ask more and more questions. It's not much but considering that it's the only good change that's happened in the past 5+ years, I think it's pretty huge. We don't need Joe. :D
Just recently, I found out that I'm not the only one wanting to move. And to find out that my wish had a very real chance of coming true was kind of startling. Did you know I could be living in Annandale, Virginia at this very moment? It made me kind of rethink things a bit. Even though I can't stand my school and most of the people around me, and even though the kids in church can annoy me like crazy, I still love them. I would love to be surrounded by koreans but just when i feel like things are started to change, if i left... I'd feel kind of bad. And if I actually had a choice, I'm still pretty sure I'd choose to leave but i know i'd think long and hard before I left.
Man, this week, I've been learning so many things not only about myself, but about other church members but I think this one wins. There's this family in church and I didn't know how bad things were but mannnnnn. It's just so insane how people can be so calm and act perfectly fine when their lives are falling apart. It's so crazy how nobody notices. Why do they do that? Shouldn't church be a place where you're able to tell people about your problems and to be able to share things? Not pretend like everything's dandy and then cry yourself to sleep.
Break my heart for what breaks yours. I think I understand what that means now.
Last night i filled up my last page in my notebook and I read through what I've written for the last four months and I've changed so much. I keep thinking that I'm done, that I couldn't possibly change anymore but I don't realize that at that very moment, I'm still changing. but they aren't all good changes. sometimes, things change for the worse and quite a few times, after moving forward so fast, i've fallen backwards. for every two steps i take, i go back one.