BRIDGE

Every year our church gets these square papers with random scripture on it and usually, they're pretty accurate. this year's:
Psalms 4:1 "For the director of music. With stringed instruments. A psalm of David. Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress: be merciful to me and hear my prayer."
but ahhhh... it's so dgoias;dgijasdifj.

Okay, so Bridge... Well, what I planned on doing was to write in my journal everynight before I went to bed but I only ended up writing for the first day. -_-;; Here's basically what I wrote in the journal, in my packet, and what I was thinking. >_<

dayone.
I hate how in retreats, there's no privacy. 16 people to one shower. -___________-;; Joe's my daddy again! lol... i feel like I'm disappointing him... I don't speak at all... I thought I got over that problem but I still can't talk about my opinions. When people ask me what I think about spiritual stuff I just say "skip". >_<. the chairs were squishing me. no room to clap... so much munjee in here, it's so gross. I think I came to this retreat because... I haven't been doing qt in so long... I haven't set aside time to do anything... I just pray... and now, even praying has become like a chore. no 100%. and even when I do pray, it's all the same thing. I pray the same thing every day. So since I'm at a retreat, you know, it's all about God, it kind of forces me to pray... I hope God will be able to provide me w/direction this retreat. and that I won't be so distracted. I don't want to care about others so much. I don't want to care about what they think... why is that so hard?? desensitized. Joe said that word today. I wonder if it's just because I've heard these things over and over again for like 15 years... but even so, I don't think that's it. I've just become so numb...? as Slick was talking about the Gospel... People get so excited about it... it's almost like i don't care. Like it's almost expected.

daytwo.
"Sin always keeps you farther than you want to go.
Sin keeps you longer than you want to stay.
Sin losts you more than you want to pay."
... the last one doesn't make sense but i forget what he said...sin makes you pay more than you want to pay? -_-;;
"temporary gain for eternal loss; eternal gain for temporary loss"
i liked this sermon. it was really o_o.
seminar 2: it was boring... our whole section had to pee so bad but the bathroom was so far away and we would have to go through everyone to go so we just sat there... "faith growing is an everyday kind of thing" i forget what else happened that day.

daythree/four.
ahhhhh. we talked to Pastor IJ. I wanted to talk to him but he left and then he came back but then there were so many people around... it reminded me of Pastor Q or however you spell it... i remember during the retreat he pulled me to the side and was like, can i pray for you? and he started asking me questions... like, are you really a christian? etc. and then him, his daughter, and other people that were with him circled me and started praying. it was so random. i wish i could ask him some questions... like why did he do that? because it was right after that i started to feel the absence... I think it was the third day during prayer that i realized that I say I'm a christian but I fall so much... does that mean while I "fall", I'm not a christian anymore? I just kept pushing everything away without realizing it. I don't want to do that anymore... i liked the joe, andy, me group. i like talking like that. although i didn't say much... and then everybody left me -_-;;. then hawon and peter were talking to me. about my future and stuff. hawon was saying how he was sensing fear/concern in me... o_0. i don't think i am/was. but he also said i was the type that gets really attached. like... i won't like anybody but when i do, im going to find someone and then if that relationship gets broken, it would hurt me a lot more..? i don't really remember that much. but i was like 0_0. that's good, right?... except the last part. if they don't like me as much. 0__________0. but i don't think that's just for guys. i think it's for me, every relationship. i get really attached to select people and then i get hurt because im not as attached as they are. -_-;; and then petey said other stuff like don't fall for the wrong guy. and that scared me even more because i thought he was saying that to me for a reason. but then he said it was something every girl should hear. and then i was okay again. i think when it comes to guys, im okay. i've been told i have high standards and im picky. LOLLLLL. that's good though, right? but the problem is, that when i do like someone, i think about them 24/7. it's so annoying. like hawon said, i get really attached. i hate it. speaking of guys, this was the first retreat that i didn't "like" anybody. i think it's because there's such a lacking of korean guys here but i get so "overwhelmed" by the korean people at retreats... and they all claim to be christian too. so im just like o_o. LOLLLLLLL. im so retarded. but seriously... and then since it happens at retreats... most people GO for the wrong reasons but i go for with the 'right' intentions and then i get distracted while im there. i fail. but this time i didn't. i was so happy :D. but aghhhh. i know retreat highs aren't good. but i don't get them anymore. i would do anything to get it... i want that "selflessness" that he was talking about. unselfishness? idk. but i want it. i get jealous a lot. this whole retreat. i was like SOFGH;DSFJ. i hateeeeeeeeeee it. i want others to be blessed. and i say that i want them to be blessed x10 more than me. but then i get jealous. you know? like what about me? where are my blessings? why is God blessing others more? i get so jealous. and not just with this. during the joe andy me thing... my biggest flaw i think... or one of them is jealousy. i think it also ties in with the getting attached thing. sdg;asiodldfj. but at the retreat. some church people and i was just so... dsiogh;asidjf. here i am. struggling so much. even right now, im just raging w/jealousy. and... gah. i hate this. and i hate how i hate this too.

i woke up at 5:00. -_-;; i didn't take a shower for 2 days. that's the max. o_o. i was smelly and greasy.

i have ten journals now. 0_0. major hand cramps. before i go to sleep, i shall update. i have much to say to some people.

blogs are supposed to make things clearer. mine make no sense and i find so many things out when i write them that they make me even more confused and frustrated. -_-;;